The Shikamaru Retrieval Mission
by Night Fox15
Summary: When Shikamaru runs off with Temari, Naruto and Kiba are sent off to find him and drag him back to Konoha. After being repeatedly cockblocked by Hinata's damn pot and Kiba's damn dog, Naruto and Kiba are in for a surprise when they find Shikamaru. KibaNaru, ShikaTema, and surprise moresome. Yaoi, het, moresome. Crack. AU.


**Or, _How Naruto and Kiba Were Repeatedly Cockblocked by Hinata's Damn Pot._**

**Non-explicit sexual content. Yaoi; het; moresome. Possible mild bestiality? (Yes, the dog).**

**This is what I think happens next in zamizu-me's _Kitsune to Inu_. Until he writes and posts otherwise, this is how it will stay in my mind. (Look, Mizu, at the idiocy that goes on in my mind when you don't update).**

* * *

"Shikamaru left? He just _left_?" Ino screeched.

"Yeah, that's what we said." Naruto and Kiba squirmed under the force of Ino's glare.

"You fuckin' left Shikamaru?" Her teeth elongated, her eyes bulged, as if they were about to pop out of her head and run away as far away from Ino as they possibly could, as did her hair, sticking out all over her head. They at least had sense enough to be nowhere near her; Kiba and Naruto however were stock-still, feet glued to the ground by Ino's super-strength I'm-gonna-fucking-kill-you-and-bash-in-your-head-with-a-sledgehammer stare of doom. "And you _dared_ show your faces back here without him?"

Finally, the flight impulse sent from their brains at the beginning of their confrontation made its way to their legs and they _ran_. So fast, in fact, that even Akamaru had trouble keeping up.

—Ж—

"What the hell happened?" Sakura stared, hands propped on hips. Judging from her expression, they must have looked like they just came out of fourteen Shinobi World Wars with every single Akatsuki member, past, present, and future. Ino wasn't far off.

Naruto scratched his head. "Ino?" He held his arm out in front of Sakura's face, only to snatch it back when she proceeded to dump a bottleful of stinging cleaning stuff on his wounds. "Ow!"

"Yeah, I know Kyuubi heals you, but I still have to disinfect these. Who knows what Ino-pig's got under her nails? Stay _still_!"

"But it stiiiiiiings." Naruto glared at her, sticking out his lower lip in what he hoped was a pitiful expression.

"I don't care. What did you say to Ino, anyway?" she looked from Kiba to Naruto to Kiba again.

"Why ya lookin' at me for?" Kiba held up his hands defensively. "It was Naruto."

Sakura's head turned back to Naruto.

Naruto shrunk in his seat. "Well, it was him, too."

Sakura cuffed him in the back of the head. "Cut the excuses and tell me what the hell you told her!"

"Fine, fine…just don't hurt me." Naruto wriggled, trying to get as far away from Sakura before he got the living crap beat outta him by _another_ girl. "Uh…ya know that mission me and Kiba and Shikamaru went on?"

"Yeah…?"

"Well, we…uh, we kindamaybeleftShikamaruinSan d."

"_What_?"

"We left Shikamaru in Sand. He just kinda upped and left one day to go see his girlfriend. Ow!" he clutched the side of his head, where his brains were currently pouring out of his ear. "What was that for, it's not _my_ fault!"

"And you _left_ him? You didn't go and _look_ for him?"

"Um…yeah? No? He went off to go see his damn girlfriend. They're probably having wild monkey sex in some forest now, I don't need to see that." Naruto saw Kiba smirking out the corner of his eye. "Shut up, it was you, too."

"What'd I _say_?" Naruto groaned after emerging from the clinic about three times as battered as he'd gone in.

Konohamaru skidded to a halt in front of them.

"Hey, kid," Naruto said, grinning. _Finally_, someone who didn't want to beat the crap outta him.

"Tsunade-sama wants to see you," he said.

Naruto's heart sank. He could feel an abundance of pain in his very near future.

—Ж—

"Dude, it's like we always get to run around chasin' after everyone," Kiba whined, Akamaru woofing soulfully in agreement, their voices joining in a discordant melody. "Why do we always get this shit?" He scuffed his sandaled feet against the road, hands shoved into his pockets, a mopey, sullen figure as he and Naruto respectively slouched and limped down the road.

"Well, you're not the one that got the crap beat outta him by a buncha _girls_," Naruto crossed his arms over his chest, winced, and glared out at the street in front of him as if it were the source of all his pains.

Suddenly, Naruto screeched—a high pitched yell that would've put Ino to shame—and took off.

Or tried to, at least. Kiba grabbed him by the collar and reeled him back in before he had made it two metres.

"Idiot, it's just Hinata," Kiba hissed.

Naruto made a noise somewhere in the grey area between a grunt and a hiccup, probably intended as the soundtrack for his lower lip protruding pathetically in a pout.

"How did you do that?" Kiba dropped Naruto and looked at him in awe—it was probably the first time he'd ever heard such a noise, which probably arose from Naruto's extensive visits with the frogs. Or toads, whatever they were.

"What, this?" Naruto made the noise again.

Not looking where he was going while he did so, he tripped,

"Aw, fuck!" Naruto sprawled on the ground and stayed there, unmoving.

"N-n-Naruto!" Hinata rushed over, cheeks their customary pink colour. "A-are you a-all right?"

"Yeah, he's fine." Kiba kicked Naruto in the ribs to prove his point.

"AH, fuck you!" Naruto shot up as if his stint on the ground had miraculously cured all his injuries. "That fuckin' hurt!" he flipped Kiba off and stalked off, as dignified as one could be with road stuff sticking out of his hair and a (very likely exaggerated) limp.

Hinata blushed even more, trying to hide her face behind her hands. It didn't work—the bright red of her face provided perfect contrast to the blue-black of her hair and the paleness of her hands.

—Ж—

It was a very odd morning when Kiba and Naruto set out to bring their comrade back.

First, Hinata intercepted them on the way to the gates carrying a very large pot, sloshing in a very ominous way.

"H-here," she thrust the pot into Naruto's arms and stood there, hands clasped behind her back, as if waiting for one of them to whip out a really big spoon and taste it.

"Thanks!" Kiba and Naruto said in unison. They looked at each other, and then at Hinata, and then at each other, and then at Hinata again and said, "He's taken."

The girl blushed and sort of faded away as Ino, Sakura, and Tsunade marched up to them.

All three women still looked furious, matching veins throbbing in unison in each's forehead.

"Don't you show your sorry asses back in my village until you've got him back, you disgraces," Tsunade glared. "Or I _will_ kill you. Very dead. And then I'll kill you again." Ino and Sakura stood on either side of her like henchmen (or henchwomen), nodding their agreement like those little bobblehead things you put on the back of your car.

Suddenly, a streak of yellow and green bundled up to them. "Hey, look at my new jutsu, obaasan!" Konohamaru cried.

Tsunade turned to look, expression softening slightly, though not as forgiving as it would have had Konohamaru skipped the "grandma" part.

He made a few hand signs and transformed. All three women's jaws hit the ground with a very large _crash_.

Konohamaru gave Naruto a huge smile and thumbs up, which was kind of disturbing considering the jutsu he was using. "Sexy Jutsu: Boy on Boy Technique a success! Good luck, boss!"

Tsunade boxed him in the head, a trickle of drool hanging from the corner of her mouth.

"Okay, boss, I think you'd better go now!" Konohamaru squealed as Tsunade's murderous mood was turned upon him.

Naruto and Kiba wasted no time in getting out of there.

"Thanks, kid!" Naruto yelled, looking back, making an odd silhouette with the ginourmous pot he was carrying and his head twisted over his shoulder, just asking for a big tree root to snag his foot.

And about five seconds later, that was exactly what happened.

"OW FUCK! That shit's hot! Ow ow ow ow ow ow!" Naruto hopped around clutching his foot, the pot having been dropped in favour of the burnt limb.

Kiba looked at Akamaru. Akamaru looked back at Kiba, some kind of silent communication going on between them. Finally, Kiba nodded.

"Whaaaaaaat?" Naruto huffed.

Akamaru yipped.

"He says you're an idiot," Kiba supplied.

Naruto stuck out his lower lip far enough that birds could have nested on it, and marched on, leaving Kiba to pick up Hinata's damn pot.

—Ж—

Hinata's pot seemed to have some kind of cock-blocking curse on it.

They set up their tent for the night and decided that it was time for a quick fuck before bed. Just when Kiba had taken his dick out, Naruto let out a bloodcurdling shriek. He had rolled over in the dark of the tent and his ass check grazed Hinata's damn pot which, for some weird-ass reason, was still hot.

When they woke up early for an early-morning quickie, they didn't have any more luck. No sooner had they both pulled down their pants than it started to rain, fat drops soaking through the fabric of their tent, which was supposed to have been waterproof. Eventually—as in, when the tent was in danger of becoming a swimming pool—they packed up and braved the raining wet like the pair of battle-hardened tough-ass shinobi they were.

Later, the rain let up for a bit, so they decided to stop and try for their quickie again behind an outcropping. Because, of course, like normal healthy teenage boys, they were horny. Again.

They didn't get very far before Akamaru, wearing Hinata's damn pot strapped to his back, burst in with a full entourage of about thirty murderous-looking animals ranging from a big cat thing—which wasn't even supposed to live in that area—to some of Naruto's fucking toads.

"Fuuuuuck…" No, it would seem that they weren't getting any after all.

Reluctantly, Naruto put his dick back in his pants, Kiba grudgingly following suit, both having some difficulties with their raging boners.

Akamaru whuffed and nudged the front of Kiba's visibly tented trousers. Kiba made a strangled noise and batted him away. "Fucking cockblocker."

—Ж—

"C'mon, Shikamaru! Take it!" A female voice shattered the silence of the forest, a few bird flapping out of the trees.

Kiba's ears seemed to perk up, and they both hurried in the direction of the voice.

As they drew nearer, they heard a wet slapping noise and a muffled yell. Akamaru whined.

"What is it?" Kiba asked, trying to convince the dog to continue onwards.

Naruto blanched. If even Akamaru didn't want to go further, then whatever was happening to Shikamaru couldn't be good.

"C'mon, we gotta find him!"

Akamaru whined urgently, and Kiba's eyes grew wide. "Naruto, they're—"

"_Holy fuck_, Temari's fucking Shikamaru!" Naruto yelled, at the top of his lungs.

"—Fucking," Kiba finished, as the woods around them went silent.

Kiba followed Naruto's path ahead of him and looked for himself.

Temari and Shikamaru were frozen in the act in the still, semi-secluded clearing in front of them, Temari wearing a lime-green strap-on dildo half-buried in Shikamaru's ass, evidently in the middle of pulling out to thrust back in.

Slowly, Temari raised her right hand, the one on the other side to where Kiba and Naruto were standing. In it, she clutched a bright pink riding crop.

"Hi guys. Wanna join?"

—Ж—

"YES!" Naruto practically screamed, taking off towards the happy couple.

Kiba's hand shot out and grabbed Naruto by the collar. "No."

"Why not?" Naruto whined. "I'm horneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" He looked very, very put out.

Kiba thought. And thought some more. Finally, with no warning, he jumped his lascivious blond boyfriend, pinning him against a nearby tree that seemed to him as if that was why it had been put there.

Akamaru turned tail and ran like there was no tomorrow.

—Ж—

"So we gonna do it!?" Naruto bounced up and down as Kiba pulled away and dropped his pants, his raging hard-on pointing accusingly hard and wet at Naruto.

"My turn!" Naruto opened the buttons on his fly, since he always managed to get his dick caught in a zipper.

"No it's my turn, it's my turn," Kiba shot back, taking a stand against the wrongfulness of Naruto getting to fuck him all the time, even though he knew he liked it, the little whore that he was.

"Nya ha, you're too stupid to even get your dick out. You ain't fuckin' me." _There_, that was a fantastic piece of inarguable logic.

"Wanna help me then?" Naruto grinned pervertedly.

Kiba attacked the trousers so violently that a couple of the buttons flew off the pants and scattered elsewhere, never to be seen again.

Without warning, Naruto shoved Kiba down, whipping a spiked collar of the sort you put on a pit bull, complete with chain, out of some obscure ass-pocket, fitting it around Kiba's neck in record time.

"Suck it," he growled, shoving his hips—and dick—forward into Kiba's face, yanking him forward at the same time with the chain. "C'mon, suck it, baby, suck it!"

Temari appeared out of nowhere, still wearing the strap-on so it looked like some weird-ass duck waddle, and brandished her pink riding crop, offering it to Naruto. She bent and very helpfully tied Kiba's hands together, giving a delicious view of her ass while she did so.

"Can I—" Naruto's request was cut off with a strangled noise as Kiba's sharp teeth pressed warningly onto Naruto's dick.

A couple of nano-eons later of torturous pleasure, Naruto relinquished his hold on the chain some and tugged a bit. "Wait."

Naruto un-leaned against the tree and stood up, probably to see if he had any lube left in the stash he'd brought with him.

And promptly tripped over Hinata's damn pot, which had somehow materialized with astonishing unfortunate placement right in his way. And since he was still holing the chain on a collar on Kiba's neck, Kiba came down with him, not that he had far to fall since he was already down anyway.

A shattering yell pierced the fading sky. Birds flew out of their nests to find quieter refuge.

"Holy mother of god fucking Jesus fucking god you fucking broke my dick!" Naruto yelled.

"Well you're fucking strangling me, how do you expect to do anything about it?" Kiba griped.

Naruto realized he was still clutching the chain connected to his boyfriend, who seemed to have a kind of fetish for such things.

But as soon as he let go, Akamaru barked loudly from the trees and Kiba froze, face a mask of horror, split seconds before a shockingly green blur tumbled out of some nearby bushes, followed by an extremely angry dog in hot pursuit.

"Fuck no," Naruto screeched at the same time as Kiba whooped, "Yeah! A sixsome!"

They blinked at each other. They seemed to have both switched their tune. But they shrugged and went about their respective moaning and excited about a sixsome.

Wait…

"Sixsome? What sixsome? Who's the sixth?" Naruto tried to sit up to count on his fingers but Kiba was still half on top of him. So he resorted to counting in his head instead. Still, he only got up to five people.

"Who's the sixth?" he asked again. He looked around again, as if someone might have materialized from the (nonexistent) mist, then he looked at Kiba, who looked suddenly unforthcoming. He looked at Shikamaru, who looked like something had gone down the wrong way.

Temari pounded him on the back a few times and he coughed. "Are you serious, Kiba?"

Everyone but Naruto seemed to know what was going on.

"C'mon, _tell me_! Who is it, who is it, who is it?!"

Kiba's eyes flicked over. Lee was standing there, uncharacteristically silent. Next to him was a boy who looked a lot like Kiba, absolutely stark naked.

"Hey Kiba, who's he? He looks like you."

The boy opened his to say something and barked, a bark that, in fact, sounded very much like…

"Akamaru?" _Oh, hell no._ But somehow, or perhaps Naruto was just that horny, that sounded like the best idea he'd heard since the threesome.

—Ж—

"I wanna fuck!"

"But I wanna," Naruto whined. "It's my turn remember?"

"Too bad."

Temari sighed loudly and probably over-dramatically. "Boys, boys…you both can fuck."

Both boys looked sceptical, and then suddenly excited.

"I call Shikamaru!"

"No I'm fuckin' Shikamaru!"

"But I said first!"

Temari whispered in both boys' ears in turn.

On cue, both Kiba and Naruto made their move—towards Lee.

Naruto glared at Kiba. Kiba glared at Naruto. Simultaneously both turned accusing eyes on Temari before glaring at each other again.

Finally, Naruto broke the silence.

"Hey, how 'bout we both fuck Lee?"

Lee, silent up until now, suddenly spoke up. "YES!" he cried. "My body is ready to partake in the joys of youthfulness!"

—Ж—

All in all, it was a very wild affair. Naruto and Kiba did Lee, Lee did Shikamaru. Shikamaru did Kiba and Temari (not at the same time), Kiba did the dog, the dog did Kiba, Naruto did Shikamaru, Temari did Shikamaru (again) and Lee, Lee did Kiba, Kiba did Naruto, Naruto did Kiba, and when one of them wasn't doing or being done by someone, they sat on Hinata's pot (which turned out to make a great seat. The only thing was gonna be explaining the cum splattered all over it.) and watched the live-action porn unfold before them, dick in hand. Or not, in Temari's case.

"Hey Kiba!" Naruto yelled. "Come suck my dick!"

Kiba came running and Naruto opened his legs wide for better access. Kiba was _great_ at this. Unsurprising since he was practically a dog and dogs liked having weird shit in their mouths.

Finally, when Kiba finished blowing Naruto and everyone else had finished doing each other and they all sprawled out in the clearing in various poses of after-orgasm bliss, tired from the day's exercise.

"Wanna eat?" Naruto exclaimed, flourishing Hinata's damn pot.

"Doesn't that, like, have your cum in it?" Temari asked.

"Blow me," said Naruto.

"Not much," proclaimed Kiba proudly. "I sucked his dick dry!"

"So you want some then?" Naruto repeated.

The general consensus was no.

—Ж—

Hinata's pot didn't seem to be such bad luck anymore, Naruto thought as they journeyed back to Konoha. Or at least not after Akamaru (back in dog form) happily slurped down its contents, which had turned out to be some kind of stew, enfused with chakra. He woofed, a huge doggy grin plastered across his muzzle, and nudged Kiba suggestively.

Kiba grinned too. "He says it tastes like you."

"Tastes like me…?" Naruto was more than slightly confused. "How's he know what I taste like?"

"Well, taste is like smell except in your mouth and he knows what you smell like…" Kiba stopped to lick his lips. "Oh, and he…uh…"

Naruto clapped his hands over his ears. "Nuh uh, I don't wanna know. Ew, _ew_!"

Temari jerked a thumb in Kiba and the dog's general direction. "This is why I don't want his mouth anywhere near me."

"Well, he gives good blowjobs. He even remembers to put the teeth away," Naruto said, leaping to Kiba's defence.

Shikamaru glanced over. "Sounds dangerous. I happen to like my dick."

"Oh, I know, honey," Temari crooned. "'Specially when I fuck you with it."

It took a while for the implication of this statement to fully register with Kiba and Naruto.

"Wait, what?" Naruto asked, confused.

"How'd you fuck him with his own dick?" Kiba said, equally confused.

Temari scowled and opened her mouth, but Naruto cut her off. "Oh, oh, I know! Temari made Shikamaru's dick into a strap-on to fuck him with."

Kiba scratched his head. "But Shikamaru fucked me."

"Yeah, wearing the strap-on." Naruto looked especially pleased with himself, as if he had just solved all the world's mysteries."

"I've never heard so much idiocy in my life," Shikamaru grumbled, as Temari's scowl grew deeper. "And you're way too loud."

"Too loud?" Naruto pouted. "I thought you liked it when I was loud."

"Yeah, and you like it when he jizzes on your face," Kiba added.

Shikamaru touched the tips of his fingers to his forehead. "Please shut up."

—Ж—

Temari and Shikamaru said goodbye about three miles from Konoha. They took their time about it too, but Kiba and Naruto weren't exactly complaining, even if they didn't get to join in this time.

"Hey, Shikamaru," Naruto said, after Temari disappeared. "You should totally run off again on our next mission. Maybe next time we'll need a couple teams to bring you back."

Kiba grinned. That was a _great_ idea.

* * *

**I only half edited this. I lost some of my formatting with FF's new copy-paste uploader, so let me know if I'm missing anything, or there are still some errors.**


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